Your pregnancy test was positive, so your heart was racing and then you made a list of all the things you will need: diapers, hospital bills, baby clothes, sleep, confidence, marriage, and old you.
When you start looking at those things, it’s comparing what you have vs. what you will need to provide for your new child. Many of us think about things like cribs, car seats and baby clothes, but we rarely consider that the biggest cost of being a parent will be the things that will put a huge emotional strain on your relationship, self-doubt and freedom. I’ve been there before, I planned for my baby bag and did not plan on how to handle the stress of being a new parent. I had budgeted for my formula, but I did not have a plan for fear.
This guide will show you what the hidden costs of being a first time parents are, and how to budget for those hidden costs. You will find examples of budgeting for these hidden costs from people in your city; and, you will also be able to find ways of budgeting for fear, lost freedom, relationship stress and 3am anxiety without feeling guilty.
Different Anxiety for First time mom
1. Anxiety about Being a Good Parent What If I’m Not A Good Parent?
You lie awake at 3 in the morning, contemplating these questions: "What if I fail at raising this small creature?" and "What if I am not good enough for my child?"
Nothing will weigh on you more than your anxiety about being an awful parent and failing, at parenting will weigh on you as you take your baby from the hospital. It Is Heavier than Your Diaper Bag. Heavier than Your Body that has Delivered the Baby. Fear whispers inside of you, "Everyone seems like they have it together in this parenting game; why can't I?"
3 reasons Nigerian parents will find this fear to be very prevalent:
1. Too Much Information: Instagram moms with beautifully designed nurseries. YouTube physicians. Your Auntie who has raised 8 children without any trouble. Your mind begins to overwhelm you with the thought that if there is too much information about how to raise your baby, then you are bound to make a mistake.
2. No Instruction Manual/Tutorial: 9 months was spent designing your nursery's theme and 0 minutes was spent learning how to trust yourself in the parenting world. You are supposed to know how to take care of your baby on the day that your baby arrives without any type of manual.
3. The Love/Responsibility Factor: Having an instant love for one's child but a tremendous responsibility to care for a child gives you an overwhelming fear that another person is depending on you for survival. That fear is simply love can be disguised as fear.
I will confess that while I was crying because I burned my pap, my daughter was sleeping on my chest. She doesn't care about whether the pap was cooked properly. Instead, she only cared that I was holding her very close to my body. It is so hard to believe that being a good mother means creating the perfect child to be a perfect person. She told me that the best moms are those that are the most present.
3am truths that I wish someone would have told me are:
1) Good parent does NOT mean perfect parent.
At 2 weeks old your child doesn't require organic baby food feeds or Montessori parenting. Your baby simply needs: food (milk); warmth; and to have a clean diaper; and YOU as a parent. EQUALS = fed, safe, loved (good enough). Write this down on your dairy or in front of your refrigerator.
2) You learn who your child is vs. the role of being a parent. The rules that exist for how to parent don't apply to your specific child at both 2 and now 3 weeks after giving birth. After 2 weeks of sleeplessness, you now know (or will know) what your infant's 'I'm tired' cry and what your infant's 'I'm hungry' cry is; expertise that no educational degree or knowledge can teach you.
3) Guilt equals care. If you are up thinking about if you could be a bad mom, then you can't be a bad mom, therefore you are a good mommy! Let your guilt help you become a better mother.
2) Budgeting for confidence (not just your finance) is as follows:
1) Budget for naps; getting 8 hours of sleep is NOT a luxury. In Nigeria, ₦5k spent on your neighbor to do your laundry for two hours ISN'T A WASTE, it's medicine. A well-recovered mommy will make better decisions.
2) Budget for your 'girl group' (those other mothers that will help you through this); text or use WhatsApp to stay in touch.
A group of mommy friends will keep you from being alone in tough parenting times.
1. Be intentional about your community: Tell your mum group, “I’m feeling overwhelmed today.” There is strength in community; it’s more powerful than any gadget for your baby. And in Igbo culture we say family is key to raising a child.
2. Budget for your mistakes by including “grace” on your budgeting sheet beside your expenses. For example – you will forget your diaper bag and put your baby’s onesie on backwards, but your baby will still love you.
3) The Money Cost :Are we really able to afford this baby?
In the loneliness of early mornings, when you’re calculating that your baby will use 8 diapers daily, multiplied by 30 days, multiplied by 12 months, suddenly babies will seem really expensive to you. In Nigeria, there’s also an added fear in relation to finance because of obstacles of inflation, medical expenses, and the common culture of paying a “hospital deposit” before you receive treatment. Your budget isn’t just for today, it’s for every possible scary “what if”.
Create a plan now before the baby arrives so your family and friends can step in to help when the baby arrives.
Here are some ideas for how to create a loving, supportive, intentional community:
1. The costs of raising babies never end. Rent is monthly. Diapers are today! Then you will have to buy clothes for your baby when they are in the hospital. It feels like your wallet is leaking.
2. When you think about your monthly income compared to all your increased responsibilities, and your salary of ₦100,000 will be responsible for 2 lives; your finances don't match.
3. The What If’s will Keep You Up at Night: What if my baby gets really sick and I can’t provide for them? What if I lose my job before my baby arrives? What if prices continue to increase before my baby arrives?
When I calculated the costs of having a baby for the first time, I had a mini-panic attack at 1am, thinking, “I already love this baby… but love doesn’t pay for formula.” I made fake budgets (and cut expenses that my baby wasn’t going to need for years). Fear of money made me feel like a bad parent before my daughter ever arrived.
You don’t need to have oodles of money to be a great parent. You just need to have a plan. Babies have survived for thousands of years without fancy smart monitors and fancy bottle warmers. They don’t need that – they need love.
Four Ways to Relieve Financial stress:
1. Separate “Survival” From “Lifestyle”: Survival includes diapers, basic cotton clothes, prenatal visits, and food. Lifestyle includes a designer crib, an elaborate nursery theme, and 20 outfits that your baby will never wear. Budget for survival first, then add lifestyle later when you are in a better place financially. My baby wore 5 onesies for 3 months and was completely happy!
2. Identify Your Fears: "I’m afraid of money" is a big general idea. "I'm afraid my diapers will cost ₦25,000 each month" is a concrete problem that can be worked on. Once you know your fear, you can plan to buy in bulk when on sale; join a used baby item group; or use cloth diapers part time.
3. Build Your “Peace of Mind” Fund: This is different from an emergency fund; it is a fund for those 3am anxieties. You can put ₦1,000 each week into a separate account.
4. Help with your account. Having your ₦20,000 in the bank at three o'clock in the morning can help reduce panic levels when your baby spikes a fever.
Remember that prices of things during the first three months will be higher because you will purchase lots of diapers and use clinic services during this time. After six months, you will likely reduce your food expense since you’re now breastfeeding. You’ll also see the cost of buying clothes is minimal after the first year. This period is temporary and will pass.
4) The Fear of Labor pain: Now, let’s talk about the financial cost of being in labor.
The thought of being in labor“Am I going to be able to do this? What happens if I'm not able to tolerate as much pain as I think I can?”—is going to scare you. When you hear the words "labor pain" all your mind can visualize is what you've seen on TV—Nollywood-style!
Why is this fear of labor bigger than fears of financial costs?
1. Unknown pain. You have experienced headaches and cramping, but nobody can provide you with a name to describe feelings during labor until after you have experienced it. The unknown is scary.
2. You don't feel that others can help you through labor. You can share financial fears with someone else. However, your pain, as an individual, will not be shared with anyone else during labor—only you. This makes your fear greater.
3. You have no control over your pain. With your finances, you are able to plan accordingly. In labor and how your body functions, you do not have the ability to control anything. This is scary for someone who needs to be in control.
I was completely prepared for baby but not for myself. At three o'clock in the morning when everyone else was asleep; I found myself crying about whether or not I would be able to express my pain through screams, or if I would, in some way ask someone to assist me to give up. At 1 minute into my C-section, I had a huge fear that I would not have the strength to do it as I had already experienced many of the same fears during labour. Learning after I had my first baby is that Courage is not fear. Courage is simply being aware of your body’s ability to do things like shake, breathe and push. Your body and baby know what to do; even if you don't, trust in yourself.
Here are 4 suggestions to help you "Budget" for Pain:
1. Budget Knowledge, not just medication. Fear is reduced when you have a greater understanding of the stages of labour, i.e. early, active & transition. When you are in the middle of a contraction and you know “this means your baby is coming really soon” it helps you to know that hope is around the corner. Talk to your midwife and watch videos on YouTube—they will give you information that is much more useful than random TikTok stories.
2. Budget your Support. Pain is 50% physical and 50% mental. Make a decision about who your Support people are now so you’re prepared with the physical and emotional support. I had my husband and 1 nurse who was no-nonsense.
3. Budget alternatives, not expectations. Plan for a natural birth but know what your pain relief options are, including; epidural, gas and pethidine. If you have a plan B it reduces fear.
4. Budget your breath and voice. This is the easiest and cheapest way to relieve pain; even if you feel you cannot. Practice 4-7-8 breathing with your baby during pregnancy and moaning low during labour will feel better than screaming high. The voice you give yourself is a powerful instrument.
The truth for all moms at 30 weeks pregnant: Yes, you will have labor pains; I won't sugar coat it like they do on TV calling it "discomfort" - IT HURTS!! But, they aren't forever. With every contraction, your baby gets closer. When she finally lays on your chest after the delivery; the pain of labor will quickly be forgotten. Not because of the pain not being extreme; but rather because of the love you will have for your baby will drown out any pain you experienced.
5) The Freedom Question: "Will I Ever Get to Be Myself Again?"
The 3 am thought: "Will I ever be able to sleep past 7 am again? Will I ever be able to go anywhere without planning? Will I ever just be 'me' again?"
This is a thought that no one ever talks about at a baby shower. You will feel guilty about mourning your old life while waiting for your new one to arrive.
Reasons why it is NOT selfish:
1. Identity Crisis: For years, you were "career woman", "foodie", "trip planner", etc.; however now, everyone calls you "mommy". It will feel like you are losing your identity.
2. Loss of Control: Before you had a baby, you controlled your time; after having one, even taking a shower needs to be scheduled. This sends you into a deep state of grieving.
3. Forever Thinking: When you are sleep deprived, you feel as if you are in the newborn stage for your whole life now. Your brain will not remember that everything is just a phase.
Confession: I did not cry about money or labour. I often cry about the fact that I've not had a hot cup of coffee since our baby was born; I have also cried about how I haven’t been able to go to Onitsha Main Market. I know that I’m a miracle but I still feel guilty about the fact that I miss “me”.
Truth- Just because you miss your old life does not mean that you will not love your baby; you are just adjusting. All trees shed leaves before they grow new ones. You are allowed to grieve for a period of time.
Four Ways to Budget for Your Freedom with a Baby
1. Weekly budgets for “Micro-Freedom” You will not be able to sleep for 8 hours but you may be able to sleep for 30 minutes (₦2,000) if someone is looking after your baby while you shower and do your skincare routine. Take an hour to go for a walk alone on Saturday with your earbuds in. You will now be planning for your freedom in minutes, not days. Protect your time as if it were money.
2. Smaller Versions of Your Old Hobbies in Your Budget: You cannot do weekend trips anymore; however you can still schedule 2-hour coffee dates. You can try to find a different way to watch Netflix by listening to a podcast instead of watching since you can’t binge on Netflix. If you are cooking big meals you can find some 15-minute recipes instead. Your hobbies are still there, they have just shrunk down for a specific length of time so don't forget to budget for them too.
3. Budget for Honest Communication: When communicating with your partner or family, be clear "I love our baby, but I also need 1 hour to myself on Sundays or I'm going to burn out." We often feel guilty when we are having these emotions and might keep quiet for this reason. Silence breeds resentment, ask for what you need so that you will be able to be free.
4. A budget mindset: This is temporary Initially, you're waking your baby every few hours. Later - when your baby has a nap routine - you'll have bits of time when you can be yourself again. Write “this is temporary” on your fridge. Read it when you feel trapped.
Parents of Newborn FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
1. How do I know when to stop overthinking every little thing my baby does?
Talk to your baby’s doctor about 5 things that would make you very concerned for your baby's health (red flags). You should also talk to one pediatrician that you trust and can communicate with via text or email, regarding your baby’s health. Remember, babies are very dramatic! It is common for a baby to grunt, sneeze, and have hiccups. These are all normal occurrences!
2. Will my marriage endure after the arrival of the baby?
Yes. By way of: A budgeting tool for 10 minutes everyday "us time", a consensus on teamwork versus scorekeeping, and extending grace for each other's grief. When you are involved in a relationship with your partner, it goes through periods of hibernation, but it will not die. After the baby arrives, many couples state that they feel more connected than they did prior to having their child.
3. What is the best time to seek help with overwhelming feelings?
You may want to consult a physician or midwife if you are having sadness, anxiety, numbness (i.e., lack of feeling), problems enjoying the baby and/or thoughts of harming anyone for longer than 2 weeks. Postpartum mood changes are common, and you will be able to get information about what services are available at the nearest teaching hospital or state health care provider in Nigeria.
